if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
