i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
