Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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