I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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