Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
