Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
