the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
