The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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