direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
