I think my vagina is haunted
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
