Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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