Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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