i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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