Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
