As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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