I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
