Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
