im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
