Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
