i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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