what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
