Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
