I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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