The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
