so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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