Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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