Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
