You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
