Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
