I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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