Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
