Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
where are my eyebrows?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
