Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
