remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
