you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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