didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
worst night to have a conscience
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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