We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
