Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
