i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
