i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
