I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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