how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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