have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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