He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
