Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
