I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
