Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
