So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize