Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
