we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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