I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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